I met Ben and Carl almost twenty-five years ago, shortly after I graduated from college, when the three of us had just been hired as programmers. I soon learned that Carl had graduated with honors from a computer science program at MIT, and that Ben had graduated from one of those technical schools that advertise on late night TV. Like Carl I had gained my technical know-how at a four-year computer science program. So the hierarchy was quickly established in my mind.

- Carl, the genius

- Gus, the pretty smart guy

- Ben... the guy from a technical school

I worked with those guys for a long time. Carl passed away a few years ago, but both Ben and I are still with the same company. In the beginning, it was Carl that I would go to when I needed help with something. I never went to Ben because ... hey... I was smarter than he. It's unfortunate that it wasn't until about a year after we started that it began to dawn on me that Ben was the one who knew what he was talking about and could communicate it clearly. Probably Carl knew the same things, but his communications skills were terrible. He wrote brilliant programs that nobody could maintain and that he couldn't document.

Ben went on to become one of the company's most respected programmers, as well as a good friend. In hindsight I find myself shaking my head at my initial opinion of him, an opinion reinforced by my labelling him "the technical school guy". That label prevented me from seeing his talents and getting the benefit of his help.

This is just one story from my life. I can recount many, many such stories, including a few from just this year. People are always surprising me.

Labels... They're a necessary evil. Necessary beause without them we couldn't communicate. Without them I'd have had to start my talk with something like...

"Today we're going to be talking about the stuff that affects the thing". Even that sentence contains some labels. After all, every word is in effect a label for something.

Labels are absolutely essential. They steer our minds toward common understandings of objects and concepts. But they have a dark side too. With the possible exception of proper names, every time we label someone or something, we effectively put it in a box. A box that limits how we think about it.

But is it the right box? Is it a fair, just and loving box? Are we aware that we've boxed it, and aware of the consequences of having done so?

Why are we here? On this Earth? What is our purpose? ... I don't know... But something deep within me tells me that being a good person is somehow part of it. So I try to be, kind, just, and loving to all I meet. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

But, in order to be kind, just and loving, I need to think kindly, justly, and in a loving way. And in order to do so I have to be aware of how I label things.

Our first principle is "The inherent worth and dignity of every person" And our second principle,"Justice, equity and compassion in human relations" Am I labelling things so that I'm following those principles?

Let's start by examining labels that I hope we all agree are obviously wrong.

Throughout history people have applied negative labels to entire groups of people. Labels that point out physical differences among groups of people serve to re-inforce those differences and promote an Us versus Them view of things:

- Black,

- White,

- Yellow,

- Red

- Slant-eyes,

- Spade

- Nappy-heads,

- Burnt cracker,

- Darkie,

- Mayonaise

Emphasizing cultural differences also serves to separate people:

- Rednecks

- Hillbilly

- Trailer trash

- Boat people

- Wetbacks

- Camel Jockeys

- Towel-heads / Rag-heads

Perhaps the worst labels are those that associate entire groups of people with evil, or describe them as something subhuman (which implies the right to treat them as such):

- Savages

- Christ Killers

- Red Devils

- Feminazis

- Jungle Bunnies

- Pigs

- White Trash

- Knuckle-draggers

- Queers

The list goes on and on.

But I don't want to spend a whole lot of time on those kinds of labels. I hope that all of us have long ago become convinced that the negative labelling of an entire group of people is very, very wrong.

But what about how we label individuals? Are we fair, kind and just when we label people we know? Is there anyone you know of you that you have at one time or another thought of as

* An idiot

* A jerk

* Incompetent

* Stupid

* Dumb

* ...

I think I can hear some of your thoughts right now... "hmm... yeah, but he REALLY IS AN IDIOT!"

I recently discovered a marvelous little book titled "The World According to Mr. Rodgers". It's a collection of things that the late Fred Rogers said and wrote during his life. I had already been a great admirer of him... he was truly a kind, generous, loving, intelligent and humble person. In the book's foreword his wife wrote the following:

"A quote he loved especially-and carried around with him-was from Mary Lou Kownacki: "There isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story." There were many times I wanted to be angry at someone, and Fred would say, "But I wonder what was going on in that person's day." His capacity for understanding always amazed me."

So I suppose the first thing I think we need to do is to increase our "capacity for understanding". Think kindly and gently of people. And understand that no matter how much we try, we can never really stand in another person's shoes.

I suppose a corollary of that is "be hesitant in trusting your first impression". There have been so very many times in my life when people have surprised me. You would think by now that I would know enough not to trust my first impressions... and yet, it still happens.

Perhaps we can't help it. I suppose it's built into our brains, this need to categorize everyone we meet. If that's the case, which I suspect it is, then trying not to label people is futile. But what I think we can do is to give people the benefit of the doubt and label them generously. Instead of thinking that so-and-so is a jerk, maybe we can think that he or she is simply acting inapropriately today, in this situation. We don't really know what's going on. Maybe they've had a particularly bad day or are experiencing an unusually large amount of stress in their life.

After all, haven't we all had moments when we were not at our best? I know that there have been times in my life when I was impatient, self- absorbed, angry, stubborn... But just because I was a jerk in a particular situation doesn't mean that I'm always that way. . Let's give people the benefit of the doubt, be patient in our judgements and as Mr. Rodgers put it "wonder what was going on in that person's day."

One of the dangers of labelling is that a rigid label can be self-reinforcing. As a soccer referee I see this all the time. Just recently, at the end of a game I was told by several parents that I had done a great job, yet one coach refused to shake my hand, saying "that was the worst officiated game I've ever seen in my life". Ironically, later that day a parent said I was the best ref she'd ever seen. Same league, same age of kids and same skill level... So how can I be both the best and the worst ref?

It happens because early on the coach saw one or two situations where he believed I either made the wrong call or failed to make one when I should have. He may even have been correct in that perception, every ref makes some mistakes. But in this case I became a "bad ref" early on in the game. The label was fixed in concrete in his head and there's no way his mind was going to let me out of that rigid box. From there on all he could see was bad.

We cannot help it, we put people in boxes. But understand that you may have been wrong; You may have put them in the wrong box. So, every now and then, try to look at people differently-give them a chance to surprise you.

Labels can be especially harmful when we make them public. What is it about human beings that makes us so love to spread malicious gossip? Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, in his book "Words That Hurt, Words That Heal", a book I highly recommend, tells the following story:

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In a small Eastern European town, a man went through the community slandering the rabbi. One day, feeling suddenly remorseful, he begged the rabbi for forgiveness and offered to undergo any penance to make amends. The rabbi told him to take a feather pillow, cut it open and scatter the feathers to the wind, then come back and see him. The man did as he was told, then came to the rabbi and asked, "Am I now forgiven?"

"Almost," came the response. "You just have to do one more thing. Go and gather all the feathers."

"But that's impossible," the man protested. "The wind has scattered them."

"Precisely," the rabbi answered. "And although you truly wish to correct the evil you have done, it is as impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover the feathers."

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Once you've ruined someone's reputation, it's very difficult, often impossible to go back and repair it. So try never to say anything bad of others.

"Justice, equity and compassion in human relations" If we recognize that we're not always correct in our judgements of people, and if we recognize that we may be labelling them based on one incident when we didn't catch them at their best, then we must try never to speak ill of people. That would not be neither just nor compassionate.

Also be aware that we label ourselves, and that those labels can sometimes be just as wrong as the ones we apply to others.

For example, for most of my life I told myself and others that I really don't like anything hotter than ketchup. I didn't like any hot spices at all. I convinced myself of this. Since marrying Janine I've come to like a bit of spice in my food. I still wouldn't say that I love very hot spices, but a little bit here and there... adds spice to my life :) My insistence on holding on to my self-applied label prevented me for many years from enjoying something.

Similarly, for many years I told myself that I was basically shy. That label prevented me from discovering skills that lay hidden within me. Me shy? Maybe I was once (or maybe not)... But in any event, I know I'm not shy now.

So look at how you label yourself and ask "am I really sure that it's true?" Give yourself a chance to break out of some of those labelled boxes... a chance to grow.

The last thing I want to point out is that it's not just people we label. We apply labels to everything. And what we name something inevitably affects how we see it and how it affects us.

For example, the attack by a radical group on the twin towers in New York has led to "THE WAR ON TERROR". But what does the word "war" imply? Well, a war is something that you absolutely cannot afford to lose. Which means that as citizens we must be prepared to make sacrifices. For example, it may be necessary to pass something called "The Patriot Act" (what a label!) that restricts our rights and freedoms.

But suppose we had framed (aka labelled) that attack as a terrible and tragic criminal act by a small group of desparate radicals. Suddenly we're no longer in a war. Instead we're solving a crime and trying to bring criminals to justice. I doubt that we as a nation would have allowed the passing of the patriot act if the label "criminal act" had stuck instead of "act of war".

Be aware of the labels you use, and be prepared to re-examine and change them.Whether we're labelling a concept, an event, a group of people, another individual, or ourselves, let's use labels that are kind, flexible, and born of love and understanding.